A Tale Of Absolutely No Plot Whatsoever
by weyohi2g4234yh
Summary: A continuation of 'A Tale Of Little Plot' ... and, as the title suggests, it is possessed of even less plot than its predecessor.
1. Crookshanks Explodes

Ahoy HOY, it is ME again, writing YET MORE CRAP because I'm BORED! And also using the CAPS LOCK KEY in places I DON'T REALLY NEED TO because I'm BORED! Anyway. I decided to write more rubbish as a continuation for the rubbish I wrote before that wasn't little chunks of random rubbish, because I'm BORED! Ok, I'm not bored any more, because I have my book to read and this rubbish to write, but who cares?  
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or locations in this story. But Kiran will be pleased to know she owns Draco's yellow leather trousers.  


_In the Gryffindor common room. Hermione is doing homework, Harry is staring into space and twiddling his thumbs, and Ron is picking at a hole in the wall. Nobody else is there.  
Ron looks away from the wall and at his chums._

Ron: Anyone seen Pig?

Harry: _[shakes his head]_ Nyup.

Ron: Nyup? What's that supposed to mean??

Harry: No.

Ron: Oh. _[he resumes picking at the wall, then turns again and glances at Hermione]_ You don't think Crookshanks ate him do you?

_Hermione looks up from her homework, looking ever so slightly worried._

Hermione: I forgot to tell you... Crookshanks exploded last night, he hasn't eaten anything since. _[There is silence for a moment]_ Which would make sense, considering he's exploded.

Ron: He might make a miraculous recovery.

Hermione: Cats tend not to make miraculous recoveries after exploding.

Harry: Cats also tend not to explode.

Ron: I don't see why cats shouldn't explode if they want to.

Hermione: I shouldn't think they'd particularly want to anyway.

Ron: Why not? It might be fun.

Hermione: Somehow I doubt it.

_Ron turns back to the hole in the wall and resumes picking at it. Hermione resumes her homework. Harry resumes staring into space. However their silence is broken quite suddenly by Draco Malfoy crashing through the window on a pogo stick, and, due to demand from the author's friends, wearing yellow leather trousers._

Harry: _[sighs despairingly, to a muffled scream from Ron]_ You should be more careful with that pogo stick, Malfoy.

_Nobody seems to consider for a minute that the Gryffindor common room and dormitories are in a tower, and therefore very hard to reach via pogo stick._

Draco: _[brushing bits of broken glass off his robes, which he is wearing as well as the yellow leather trousers]_ I can use a pogo stick if I want!

Harry: Um.

Draco: It's my pogo stick! I can bounce wherever I like! There's nothing you can do to stop me! _[the following is spoken maniacally by Draco, but chorused somewhat boredly by Harry and Ron, who have suffered an entire eight chapters of the author's previous fic and so know what to expect]_ I'll get you next time Batman! And your little dog, too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!!

Hermione: _[briskly]_ Right, if you're done with your little 'I'm an evil maniac on a pogo stick' thing, clear off.

Draco: Shan't.

Hermione: Go away!!

Draco: No!

Harry: Why would you want to stay here anyway?

Draco: It's nice. And not a dungeon, for a start. _[in the background, Ron has begun to sing 'I'm a little teapot' quietly]_ I didn't want to be a Slytherin - 

_Hermione looks quite shocked by this news, but Harry, sensing the inevitable, grimly mutters the remainder of the sentence along with Draco._

Draco: I wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!!

Hermione: A lumberjack?

Harry: Don't worry, it's just the author.

  
  


**************************

Well, wasn't that FUN? *pauses* Oh! I forgot! *clears throat* Is Draco about to burst into song? Does he REALLY want to be a lumberjack? How long can Harry and Hermione keep up the quasi-sanity they've had for most of this chapter? Not very long, that's for certain. Will this story get a plot of any kind at all?? Probably not! 


	2. Insanity Prevails, Little Happens

Picking up from where I left off (Draco had announced he wanted to be a lumberjack under the inane influence of the author)... *sighs* I really need to get me a plot. Ah well. Who said this had to be a SANE story? Heck, who even said it had to be a story? *Harry pokes his head in and states that since this is a fan fiction website what's posted on it should really be stories* Oh shut up you! You're not meant to be this sane! *whacks Harry viciously with the loony stick* Gah! *Harry runs away* Meh, that'll teach 'im! =--=

  
  
  


Draco: _[half in the background, as Hermione and Harry talk - however he is less backgroundy than Ron, whose rendition of 'I'm a little teapot' can no longer be heard clearly. But he's still doing the actions]_ Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The larch - 

Hermione: What on earth is he talking about?

Harry: Monty Python.

Hermione: Well, yes, of course I knew that, but how on earth does Malfoy know about Monty Python?

Harry: Author.

Draco: The fir! The mighty Scots pine! With my best girl by my side, we'd sing - 

Hermione: Author?

Draco: - sing - 

Harry: We're in a fic. We're all doomed to a short life of inane-osity.

Draco: -sing!

Hermione: Oh.

Draco: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,   
I sleep all night and I work all day!  
_[in a slightly different voice]_ He's a lumberjack and he's OK,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day!  
  
_[changes voice again]_ I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,  
I go to the lavatory!  
On Wednesdays I go shopping  
And have buttered scones for tea!

_At this point, Ron stops singing 'I'm a little teapot' and thwaps Draco around the head with the pogo stick._

Ron: Shut up, Malfoy.

Draco: Wha?

Hermione: You were being made to sing the Lumberjack song by the Author.

Draco: The Author?

Hermione: According to Harry, yes.

Draco: Well, um, if the, uh ... Author is done making me sing nonsensical garbage - 

Chorus of Monty Python Fans: IT'S NOT GARBAGE!

Harry: How did THEY get here?!

_Hermione runs at the Chorus of Monty Python Fans, shouting 'GET OUT OF HERE, GET OUT!!' and whacks them with Harry's Firebolt until they fall out of the smashed window._

Hermione: Stupid Author.

Harry: Hey, my broom!

Ron: The broom is a sacred object!

Draco: AS I WAS SAYING...

_They all look at him._

Ron: Oh, are you still here?

Draco: Unfortunately, yes.

Ron: Oh.

Draco: ANYWAY, as I was saying, if the Author is done making me talk nonsense - 

Author: _[shuffles feet]_ Sorree... 

Hermione: _[somewhat hysterical]_ You're the AUTHOR! You're not supposed to be IN the fic!! Get back to your AUTHARIUM and AUTH!!!

Author: Ok, Ok... _[vanishes with a noise like many people shouting 'emu' not quite in unison]_

Ron: I think maybe you should calm down a bit, Hermione.

Hermione: Calm down? Calm DOWN? CALM down? Your mum is **A** pineapple!!

Ron: Uh... 

Hermione: _[coughs]_ Anyway, what was it you were saying, Malfoy?

Draco: Erm... you're quite done with the shouting?

Hermione: Probably.

Harry: Just probably?

Hermione: Uh, definitely.

Harry: Good.

Draco: I can't actually remember why I came here now.

Hermione: Pogo stick accident?

Harry: Insanity? That does seem to be the order of the day here.

Ron: A desire to murder us all?

Draco: No ... although the last one is somewhat appealing.

Harry: Well, since you can't remember, I'd say it's probably insanity.

Draco: I'm sure it's not.

Hermione: Well, you were on a pogo stick wearing yellow leather trousers.

Draco: Stupid Author.

Author:_ [from Autharium]_ The trousers weren't my idea!

Hermione: SHUT UP!

Ron: _[pats Hermione on the head]_

  
  


-----------------------

Well, here we are at the end of another nonsensical chapter of gibberish! I'm really losing my touch... ah well. I was intending for some kind of plot-ish ness to occur in this chapter, but it didn't. Oh, and: Will anything INTERESTING ever happen? Why did Draco come here anyway? What exactly IS an Autharium? NOWT will likely be revealed in the next chapter!! 


	3. Deja Vu

Well, here we are and here we be. I'm going to try to give this story some kind of plot in this chapter, but I may well fail. Thankee for the reviews. I see I will have to add more exploding cats, judging by how much you all seemed to enjoy that =oO= What odd people you are.  
Anyway, when we last saw - well, heroes implies some kind of adventureosity, of which there is certainly none as of yet, so let's just say our twits, they were still in the Gryffindor common room, and everyone was musing over why on earth Draco had come in the window on a pogo stick in the first place. Of course, what THEY don't know is that it's because I needed SOMETHING to happen and it didn't look like anything was going to. But that's beside the point.

  
  


Harry: So you're sure you haven't a clue why you're here?

Draco: Of course I bloody haven't, otherwise I would be doing something about it!!

Ron: I suppose.

Draco: I hate that Author.

Ron: Me too.

Hermione: I REALLY hate her.

Draco: Pah, at least she didn't make you sing the Lumberjack song.

Hermione: She made me a Furby for nearly eight chapters of her last fic!!

Ron: And she made me get dragged around by my wrists for a lot of that as well! And bang coconuts!

Draco: Hang on, I may be changing my mind here.

Ron: Maybe we should lead an anti-author rebellion!!

Hermione: That's the best idea you've had in years, Ron!

Ron: Whee! Go me!

Harry: _[pats Ron on the head]_ I think it's a good idea too.

Draco: Hmm ... oh, OK. But my anti-author rebellion is in no way associated with yours, I just want to let you all know that.

_OK, OK. This fic is NOT going as planned. Characters aren't supposed to rebel - _

Harry: We can if we want! There's nothing you can do to stop us! I'll get you next time Batman! And your little dog too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!!!

Ron: You said it!

Harry: Omigod! I did!

Hermione: ARGH! The Author is evil! EVIL I TELLS YA!

Ron: You might want to calm down some, Hermione.

Hermione: Sorry. Let's find pitchforks.

Ron: Pitchforks?

Hermione: You use them in rebellions. We're going to poke her with them.

Harry: STAB her with them.

Hermione: That too.

_I am really not liking this... not liking it at all... *waves magic Author-stick*  
  
Everybody looks slightly bewildered._

Harry: Were we talking about pitchforks?

Hermione: I'm not sure.

Draco: Why precisely am I here?

Ron: Hey, has anyone seen Pig?

Harry: _[shakes his head]_ Nyup.

Ron: Nyup? What's that supposed to mean??

Harry: No.

Ron: Oh. _[he glances at Hermione]_ You don't think Crookshanks ate him do you?

Hermione: I forgot to tell you... Crookshanks exploded last night, he hasn't eaten anything since. _[There is silence for a moment]_ Which would make sense, considering he's exploded.

Ron: He might make a miraculous recovery.

Harry: Is it just me, or is anyone else getting a sense of Deja Vu here?

Ron: Yeah...

Draco: And why am I wearing yellow leather trousers?

_They all look at Draco._

Harry: Malfoy? What are YOU doing here?

Draco: Don't ask ME!

Harry: Erm... surely you know why you're here?

Draco: Haven't a clue. And these trousers are horrible.

Hermione: Well, if you don't know why, go away!

Draco: I mean, yellow leather trousers? Why would anyone want yellow leather trousers?

Harry: Go away.

Draco: They'd probably be nicer in blue.

Hermione: GO AWAY.

Draco: Or even green! But yellow??

Ron: Did you actually hear Harry and Hermione when they said 'go away'?

Draco: No.

Harry: GO AWAY!!

Draco: I heard that time!

Hermione: Are you going to go away then?

Draco: No.

Hermione: Why not?

Draco: I don't want to. This is a nice common room. It's much better than the Slytherin one. You know... I didn't want to be a Slytherin. I wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!

Ron: A lumberjack? Why would you want to be a lumberjack?

Draco: I don't know.

Ron: If you don't know why you want to be a lumberjack, why is it your ambition?

Draco: It's not! 

Ron: Erm... you don't by any chance have a ludicrously large collection of Furbies do you?

Draco: What?

Ron: Never mind.

_Hermione glances at Draco and looks confused._

Hermione: I'm SURE yellow leather trousers aren't part of the school uniform.

_Draco nods agreeably._

Harry: ... so why are you wearing them?

Draco: I don't know! I've been wondering!

Harry: Um, if you say so.

Draco: I'm very, very confused about all this.

Hermione: And wearing yellow trousers.

Draco: Yes.

Ron: Why?

Draco: I can if I want! There's nothing you can do to stop me! I'll get you next - 

_Draco is abruptly cut off by Hermione throwing a paperweight in the shape of a cheese with holes in it at his head._

Hermione: I swear if I hear ANYONE say that again I will scream.

Harry: You've only heard it once.

Hermione: No, there was that time the author said it, and when Snape did it, and then Malfoy said it in the first chapter of this fic. And I'm pretty sure I've heard it other times too, but I can't remember them.

Ron: Yeah, but the first two times you were a Furby.

Hermione: Furbies aren't deaf you know! You're so prejudiced, just because they're not living and they're possibly the most annoying toy known to mankind - 

Draco: No they're not! I like Furbies!

Hermione: Good for you, would you like to join - 

_Hermione is abruptly cut off by Ron throwing a paperweight in the shape of an orange at her head._

Ron: Good god, not again.

Harry: Wha?

Ron: Blimmin'Ermioneannerblimminorg'nisationsf'relpingthings'tneitherneednorwanthelpofanykind.

Harry: Um. Yeah.

Hermione: This is only the second one!

Ron: Oh, you expect us to have forgot about the Save the Belly Button Fluff Organisation? 

Hermione: _[chants and waves a little flag with BBF on it]_ Belly button, belly button, fluff fluff fluff!!

Harry: _[shoving Ron angrily]_ Oh, you HAD to remind her about that didn't you?

Ron: Yes.

Draco: Could someone please explain to me what's going on?

Ron: No, bog off Mr. Ugly-Trousers.

Draco: Look, I KNOW the trousers are horrible - 

Hermione: You said before you wanted to wear them.

Draco: Ah, but BEFORE that, I said they were horrible.

Hermione: Wha?

  


--------------------

  


Good God, our poor twits have had all memories of the last chapter and the first third of this one completely erased! Ah, bless. What a long chapter this has been. And I'm sorry there were no exploding cats. Please don't come at me with pitchforks, otherwise I'll NEVER be able to add any more exploding cats. Reviews gladly accepted, even more gladly if provided with toast and jam. 


	4. A LetterWriting We Will Go

Into this chapter I will attempt to have some kind of plot - but hey, I say that at the beginning of EVERY chapter, so it's kind of unlikely there'll be any. *shrugs* Hopefully, I can compensate with insanity.  
Oh, and boi the woi, if ye hasn't read 'I Cannae Think Of A Title, Cap'n', why the goobenheimer are you still reading this?! ICTOATC is much better. Go back and read it. THEN you can read this.  
Hennywoise, the last chapter ended (have you noticed the chapter arrangement here is more than a little haphazard? I tend to just write until I get to 3-6 pages. Then I stop, upload it here, and go to sleep. Like it makes any difference; there have been NO suitable chapter endings throughout the whole of this fic) with everyone being rather confused about whether or not Draco likes his trousers. Let the insanity ... uh ... recommence.

  
  


Draco: I DON'T like the trousers. Ok? End of story.

_Not in the sense that this fic has come to an Edna. Oh no. Not at all. Unfortunately._

Hermione: Come to an Edna?

_You're not supposed to be able to hear me. *thwaps Hermione with a mackerel*_

Hermione: Ugh. I have mackerel on my face.

Ron: I like mackerel.

Hermione: Yes, but not on your FACE.

Ron: No, I suppose you're right.

Hermione: Of course I'm right. I'm always right.

Harry: No, there was that time ... oh, hang on...

_They all stand there for a while, trying to think of a time when Hermione has not been right. They fail._

Harry: Yes, it seems you are always right.

Hermione: I know.

Ron: Hail the all-knowing Hermione.

Draco: Why?

Ron: Because she's always right.

Draco: Oh yes?

Ron: Yes.

Draco: No she's not.

Ron: Yes she is.

Draco: No she's not.

Ron: Yes she is.

Draco: No she's not.

Ron: She is.

Draco: She's not.

Ron: Is.

Draco: Not.

Ron: Is.

_At this point the Author, seeing that this could quite feasibly go on forever, decides to have Draco utter something other than 'not'._

Draco: _[pokes Hermione]_ Prove it, miss smarty-socks.

Hermione: Smarty-SOCKS?

Draco: I think socks is a better word than pants.

Hermione: ... 

Draco: And it alliterates, too.

Hermione: Um. Right.

Draco: Anyway, if you're always right, prove it.

Hermione: OK.

Draco: I bet you can't tell me what I ate for breakfast.

Hermione: Eggs.

Draco: Hah.

Hermione: Was I not right?

Draco: No, I ate waffles.

Ron: _[sings]_ Birds' eye potato WA-ffles, so WA-ffley versatile!!

Hermione: _[ignoring Ron]_ Waffles?

Draco: Waffles.

Harry: Somehow Malfoy doesn't strike me as a waffles kind of person.

Draco: I like waffles!

Ron: It's cos they're so waffley versatile.

Draco: Shut up, Weasley. _[pokes Ron with his pogo stick]_

Ron: Ow!

Draco: Oh, come on, I only poked you. It didn't really hurt did it?

Ron: Yes! You've killed me!

Draco: No I haven't. People who've been killed don't tell the person who's killed them that they've killed them.

_What a strange sentence._

Hermione: Good point.

Harry: Face it, Ron, you're not dead.

Ron: I know, I know.

Harry: You know what this fic needs?

Ron: What?

Harry: We need to sally forth and ... conquer evil. Or something.

Ron: OR we could stay here and conquer evil.

Hermione: Like Amnesty International?

Draco: ... Amnesty International?

Ron: What's Amnesty International?

Hermione: A charity which write letters to fairly important or very important people in different countries telling them about people who've either been arrested for a good reason but not been given a fair trial or been tortured; or who've been arrested for reasons like their religion or political position and possibly tortured or allowed no access to their family - 

Harry: So we're supposed to sit here and write:   
'Dear Your Evilness Lord Voldemort,  
It has come to my attention that some of your Death Eaters have been torturing or putting to death muggles, muggle-born witches and wizards, and others who oppose your rise to supreme power over the entire planet. You may or may not be aware of these occurences, but I believe that it is wrong and something should be done.  
Yours sincerely,  
Your Arch-Nemesis Harry Potter.'

Hermione: Well, we could.

Ron: Sounds like a good idea.

Draco: So the Dark Lord is your arch-nemesis?

Harry: Well, yes, considering that he murdered my parents and has been responsible for four or five attempts to kill me.

Ron: Silly really, you'd think he'd give up and go home.

Draco: Bugger.

Harry: What?

Draco: I've been aiming for that position for a long time.

Ron: What position?

Draco: Potter's arch-nemesis.

Harry: Sorry, Voldemort's got it.

Ron: Eek!

Harry: Ron, saying 'Voldemort' - 

Ron: Eek!

Harry: - will not make him jump out from the fireplace and shout 'boo'.

_Ron glances nervously at the fireplace._

Draco: I may have to write angry letters to him as well.

Hermione: To who?

Draco: Voldemort.

Ron: Eek!

Hermione: Hee hee.

Ron: You're my best friend, you're not supposed to laugh about my fears.

Hermione: You're also my best friend and therefore not supposed to ogle my bum, but does that stop you?

Ron: This conversation is NOT going as planned. _[glances in what he believes to be an Autharium-ly direction]_ Can you edit that out?

Author: _[appears]_ No. _[disappears]_

Ron: Bugger. _[goes off to corner to sulk]_

Hermione: Hee hee.

Ron: _[glances over his shoulder, shoots evil death glare at Hermione]_

Hermione: Ah, bless his cotton socks.

Harry: Oughtn't we get on with writing angry letters to Voldemort then?

Ron: _[slightly muffled, because of being in a corner]_ Eek!

Hermione: Yes.

Draco: Oh, alright.

Harry: Why are you still here?

Draco: Because I want to write angry letters to the Dark Lord.

Harry: Why?

Draco: I told you, he's stolen the arch-nemesis of Potter position, and I want it.

Harry: You are indeed strange.

Draco: I believe so, since I can still think of no explanation for my wearing yellow leather trousers.

  


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And so we come to the end of another chapter. How nice. I'll probably do more tomorrow.  
May [insert appropriate deity here] have mercy on us all.  



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